I see them as a general snapshot of the terrain I’m working with when I begin a relationship. (If I’m anything, I’m absolutely an instigator at heart.) It encourages partners with limited imaginations consider opportunities they’d never thought of before. Similarly to this line of thinking, offering more options instead of less to a sub with limited experiences helps their own imagination about what’s possible expand. There’s also the possibility that in time I might change my mind and decide an activity I’ve previously not been interested in is something I’d like to bring to the table in that relationship. If a partner really loves an activity I don’t personally engage in, knowing that could be an opportunity for me to help them find someone who does offer it. If I don’t give that opportunity to my partners, there’s a lot about them I’ll never get insight into. If it’s on the form, it’s an opportunity to let me know their thoughts. I want them to feel safe sharing “darker” fantasies or more taboo interests without fearing that I’m judging them. I want my partners telling me more about their interests and experiences rather than less. By offering a more comprehensive list of activities, I offer my new partners an opportunity to answer questions they may never have been asked before. I want my sub to feel comfortable telling me about them, not what they think I want to hear. There are definitely a number of items on the checklist that I do not offer at all, or that I do not engage in with everyone. In part this is because I have a wide range of interests and skills, but this is not the only reason. You’ll notice on my checklist that there’s a pretty wide variety of activities represented. The combination of answers I’m presented with gives me better questions to ask when it comes time to negotiate. It helps me know where they’re at-are they new to the activity, do they have notes about whether it’s something they only do with people they have particular chemistry with… you get the idea. I ask them to rate: by experience level-never tried, tried but not enough to fully evaluate, or experienced by how much they enjoy the activity-0-5 by whether or not the activity is a limit, a curiosity of theirs, or a valued part of play for them to let me know if the activity is a fetish or something they feel they want to be “forced” to do in order to get over their nerves to try and finally I offer space for notes and questions.Īll of this information gives me a much clearer picture of how my partner feels about an activity, than if they’d simply said, “I rate such-and-such activity as a 3”. In my checklist I ask people to rate each activity in a number of different ways in order to get a more comprehensive idea about how my sub actually experiences each activity. It’s important to remember though that people interpret different terms differently, and one person’s idea of what “medium masochism” is might be wholly different than another’s.Īlongside the long list of activities to be rated, there are often a few ways each activity can be rated. This is so the person filling it out can do so as clearly as possible, and the person reading it can interpret their answers relatively accurately. How to use a BDSM checklist: At the top of most comprehensive checklists you’ll find definitions about what words mean and instructions about how to fill the pages out. Feel free to download, edit, update, change, and utilize the list for yourself: It’s not an exhaustive list in the least bit, but I think it’s a pretty good start and it works for me rather well. My list is based off a few I’ve used in the past, with various bits taken off, added on, recategorized, redefined, and with slightly different options than I’ve found on some. I’ll try to update the file link when I think of it in the future. That’s just the nature of this ever-evolving beast. I know I’ll be refining it as long as I use it. Today I’m sharing a BDSM checklist that I’ve put together. Certainly it’s impossible to develop an exhaustive list of things to try, but even still some lists cater more towards styles of play I enjoy, and some are far from useful to me specifically. There are some I find to be too complicated, and others too simplistic. Sometimes I get annoyed that a checklist’s language is different from what I’m used to, or the list comes off as too heteronormative or less than gender inclusive. You can find a bunch of them online, and over the years I’ve found examples which work more or less to my satisfaction. A helpful tool I frequently use with new subs and trainees is the BDSM checklist.
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